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Late Night Thoughts

• It’s been a week since the rest of my family went on vacation. Four more weeks to go. 
• Since I don’t have a regular stove, all I have is frozen microwavable foods which I am already sick of. 
• I have a week until finals and graduation. Even though I’ve got a cap & gown and taken photos, it still hasn’t hit me.
• I have a set on what school I’m planning to transfer to but I still have second thoughts. 
• Usually, I’m really good at saving but its so hard budgeting when I have no choice but to eat out and drive all over the place. 
• First time where I have probably broke out with so many pimps on my face worse than high school. 
• I wish it were easier to not complain about things. There are things that are much worse.
• “Never be what you want.”
• With no company to stay with me at home, I feel more alone each and everyday.
• I just really really miss my Dad. 

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Late Night Thoughts

I just want to feel and be happy again. 

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I honestly just want to give up. Give up everything I have. Making an effort with no reward is starting to get the best of me. Gifts are not everything but it isn’t easy not receiving any acknowledgment either. It just hurts so much to where I just want to cry. I wish it was easier but as time goes on, it really starts to sink in and hit me. As much as I try to make the best and keep my head high, deep inside it really just breaks me. Sorry I’m not the greatest. Sorry I make mistakes. Sorry if my “effort” isn’t enough for you. I really had good intentions and now I just lost all hope. I wish you would just take the time to understand. 

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Late Night Thoughts

• I officially turned 22 on Tuesday. I worked and went to school but I was pretty glad to get birthday greets all around. The next day, Mary, Brenda, Chelsey, and Caroline gave me a “tiny” surprise birthday party I wish I could tell them how I felt but I lowkey wanted to cry (even though I wasn’t surprised lol). 
• My dad has been gone for a little over a week and I really miss him. He caught a fever and I hope he is really doing okay. I hate to worry so much even though he is my Dad. 
• I got a letter in the mail today when my community college graduation will be. I hope I really pass all my classes. I seriously need to get it together. 
• In a week I get to see almost all my concert friends. I’m excited especially since we are all meeting up to actually go out and not just to a concert.. haha. 
• Spring Fever Tour. Andy Grammar & Parachute. Vans Warped Tour. I need to start saving money and I need to figure out what to wear. 
• Starting to be in my “lone wolf” phase. Feeling forgotten, too stressed out, and I know people get tired of me. It’s hard for me to keep up and my phone is a piece of sh*t since all my friends have iPhones. I feel bad bailing on friends I haven’t seen in a while and I feel like I run out of things to say with people I talk to all the time. 

I want school to be over. I miss my friends. My phone sucks. I want my Dad to come back already. I don’t even know why I’m ranting.

Okay bye. 

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Sometimes,

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The Holidays

During this time of year, people are usually happy, loving, and greatful for everyone they have. A time for cheer, joy, and laughs. It’s also a good time for everyone to come together to celebrate regardless if they do celebrate Christmas or not. 

For the last few years, even though I do buy gifts, send cards, and greet people Happy Holidays or what not, I actually have not celebrated a real Christmas with my family since 2008. 

I know at times people say people grow up and forget the time of year but to others, they never do. Not to long ago I actually explained to a couple of my friends which deep inside, made me miss actually celebrating Christmas. Seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles and extended family. Not for the gifts but just the comfort of peoples company, reminiscing and having the feeling of having people that care. 

I know it sounds so silly for me to say this but ever since then, even though I get used to it, through any holiday, I always wish that one day I could celebrate it just like other families out there.  The most I get to do during any holiday is mostly go over to a friends or even stay home all day, texting and greeting people back Merry Christmas and stuff. 

This year even though I am already expecting to do nothing, I always love to see people smile so I decided to give a little more than usual. Giving little gifts to my concert friends, sending people Christmas cards, giving one of my college classes my mums homemade eggrolls, and for once, giving up my concert money to give my parents, brother, and my best/close friends the best gifts I can give them. I know I probably gave more than I received but I rather see people happy just to show how much I appreciate them. Some people forget that gifts aren’t always as important as being with the people you love (which I rather choose over any gift)

Yes, I know I shouldn’t have done this, that etc but to me, I really do care. As I grown older, I learned to not think about myself sometimes I remember who’s been there and who hasn’t. I may not have a family to be giving to as I wish but I still have the respect and love for anyone who’s currently there for me. Sometimes I wonder how people could put up on my forever lasting conversations, my fan girl moments (and yes my moments when I do talk about The Cab), my obnoxious dancing in the car, and yeah how I am just weird in general so thank you for putting up with me.

Anyways getting to the point, even though the holidays aren’t exactly my favorite time of year, I just hope anyone that reads this who knows me or whatever know I do really care. You guys are all like family to me. From California, New Jersey, Washington, Arizona, Michigan, Texas, Nevada, Philippines, and to any state or country I forgot to mention with people I actually know in it, I just want to say deep inside, I do love you guys. I wish I could fly and travel the world just to greet everyone a Happy Holidays. This is I guess you could say my Merry Christmas, Happy Haunkkkah, Kwanzaa, early  New Years or whatever holiday to celebrate or not just for you guys. 

*excuse me for the most randomest post ever. 

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Sometimes,

when it’s quiet and I’m alone, I think about everything and just cry. So many things run through my mind and as much as I want to say it out loud, I can’t because in the end, there is no one really there for me. I feel alone and hurt wishing for everything to just go away. As much as I would want someone to hear me out, I don’t try to anymore because i know some people may see it as if I am complaining and if I worry “too much.” I can’t help to over think  sometimes since I ball it up, put a smile on my face and let it go as  if it is “nothing.” I always try to keep my head high so no one could really see the weakness I have inside. I wish everything could just be “okay” but I guess not everything can fall into place. The feeling inside is just unbearable but I guess all I can say is “what can I do.” I guess I have finally come to realize that all I have is myself to blame. 

I’m sorry if I ever let you down.

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Sometimes, I don’t really know where my place is anymore. 

As the days go by, I think everyday about all the things I’ve come across with and the things I encounter everyday. 

Even though I know I’m here, sometimes I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. 

Sure, you may see the smiles, good times, and days that are never dull but honestly, every night before I go to bed, I feel so alone since I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to.

Sometimes I do try to make an effort, but I feel like they either don’t care, I might be a bother to them, or even annoyed since I tend to randomly say “Hi” or even ask “How you are?” out of no where.

Occasionally, I look at old photos, messages sent, and little things that make me miss and wonder why I we don’t talk to each other anymore or how come they never try to talk to me anymore.

Usually summer is the time where I never really care about anything and live with that “Don’t give a F***” and “Let’s Live” motto. 

But now, as far as my summer goes,  I just keep my head up, quiet and try to deal with this feeling I have until I find someone or something that will remind me that I’m never alone..