I am hoping all this work, networking, interning, & school will all work out for me in the end.
As much as enjoy working hard & doing things just because, after a while it just gets exhausting.
I know it’s my choice to do extra little things but I wished I got some kind of acknowledgment instead of being judged for it.
Until then, I have to do what I gotta do.
Here comes the next week and a half of late night studying of Math. As much I want to sleep, I still need to pass.
Let the long work hours, commuting through traffic, getting with the media, and burning eyes of studying begin.Dec032013
I’m never the person to really talk about “relationships,” unless if someone mentioned it to me or else. Just hearing the word “relationship,” has always been a sacred word to me.
For one thing, in my Twenty-Two years of living, I honestly have never been in a “real relationship.” I’ve dated, talked, hooked-up, and stuff but even still, I don’t consider it.
Sure, I’ve had my moments when I wished I could have a significant other, boyfriend, boo thang etc. but I guess it never seemed to really get to me.
Over the last three years in general, the whole “relationship,” thing never really was my priority since I would rather go out, have my fun with both my girl and guy friends, check out other guys and practically do whatever I wanted. I’m not gonna say that I never had any attraction to any guy but I still have a couple that made me think twice. I probably tried to take a few chances but I guess in my side, I just “wait to long” for it.
Out of every night I am up thinking, in this one particular night it really got me thinking..
From all my friends, elementary, middle, high and college, and even family I am one of the few from my group that hasn’t been in a serious relationship. I have friends that are getting married, starting families and I just sit here like “Damn, I can’t even get myself a boyfriend let alone a date..”
Now that it’s “cuddle weather,” everyone has their boyfriends or girlfriends to either snuggle with or share that New Years Kiss with. Me? Of course I am in the same boat like every year, alone.
I always say I am “forever alone,” because I’m really in that state of mind of being alone. I eat out alone, go shopping alone, go to school alone, drive to far places alone etc. Even though being “alone” gets tough, at the same time I think to myself if I had someone, I wouldn’t be able to do these things “alone.”
These past three years in general have definitely been a whirlpool. Learning to grow as a person, going to thick and thin with school, meeting and engaging with new people, doing things I would and would never do before and just learning about myself in general. The one thing missing from all of this really is the key word “relationship.”
This whole “relationship” thing will always be a bittersweet thing to me. There are those moments where I sometimes wish I could have someone but then I’m glad I’m single. Is it because I’m too picky, looking for the right one, or more selfish of myself? Am I too scared to be in a relationship or even just scared for someone to let me down.. Having someone for me never seems to cross my mind unless if someone initiates it.
Being twenty-two and all, the one thing I’m glad is that my family never asks me when I’ll marry or if I’m even dating anyone. Even though I never had a real significant other, I’ve been though my moments with relationships with others. Divorce, break-ups, cheaters.. you name it, I’ve witnessed it.
Coming through this topic, even though I may not be looking for a relationship, there is probably one reason why I would want to be in one. If I were to be in a relationship right this moment, it’s not to wish for my happiness, but just to show my Dad that I can find someone for my own.
My Dad isn’t getting younger and now when I think about it, he is the only person who’s opinion I would ever care for if I were to be in one. My Dad doesn’t encourage it, but even though my Dad may talk about being successful, making money and such, I think the only thing he really worries about is if I would ever find someone in life.
My Dad himself has been through a divorce and also witnessing two others with my siblings. He’s the one that everyone goes to when someone’s broken their heart or even did them dirty. He never tells me but I know my Dad wishes I could find someone who I guess who could love me for who I am I guess..
I know I am going of topic here but call me naive, “non experienced,” whatever, I will probably never get the concept of “relationship.” I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone or even meet someone everyone I would like but “relationships” will always be a bittersweet thing to me.
As for now, I will leave it as I will be that person admiring others and other couples by myself. For the time being, I will still go out, have fun, and of course do it by myself.
Forgive me for this unnecessary post.Nov082013
I took down the decorations in my car, cleaned out clothes from my closet, and took down the only posters I had up from one of my favorite bands, The Summer Set.
Lately I’ve been doing about all the things I’ve done over the last few years. All the crazy things I’ve done & come across that I probably would never think I would do in my life.
These last few months have given me a realization of all the things I’ve done. Since I wasn’t able to attend the school I wanted to go to, that memory of that one call just goes back everytime someone asks me “What school did you decide to go to?”
I’ve felt as if my dreams we’re crushed and slowly but surely, everything just seems to be downhill. While majority of my friends graduated or transferred, I’m stuck back at one.
While I have cousins,even younger than me graduating college, I’m still trying to pass my classes.
While I hear my friends getting tons of hours, interning, im stuck figuring out how to stretch my paycheck to help get everyday needs & saving to reapply.
Tonight I’ve learned I have become the biggest disappointment. I’m a 22 year old college student who needs to grow up.
Sorry to everyone I’ve disappointed. Sorry to everyone that thinks that I don’t think of others. Sorry to everyone who thinks that all I do is go out. Sorry to everyone who thinks that I will never grow up because I like too much Disney or my music is too “young.”
Maybe being alone and thinking isn’t so bad..Sep302013
I’ve learned that sometimes the hardest workers can still be unnoticed even with the extra drive. Life can be so unfair.Sep292013
I hope to make a difference. Achieve my goals and just prove everyone wrong.
Someday, I hope to find a nice guy who wouldn’t mind my flaws or my imperfections.
Someday, I hope to one day travel the world, and get to see places I never been before.
Someday, I hope to cross of my bucket list even if that means doing the craziest things I wouldn’t ever think I would do in my life.
Someday, I hope to one day to make someone proud of me.
Someday, I hope to one day inspire someone to achieve their goals and to prove everyone wrong.
I hope that someday that day will come one day.Sep082013
This week I started my Fall Semester of college.
One class and literally going to school for two hours twice a week.
I seriously feel as if I am wasting my life.
I really just want to leave school already.
Going back to that place just gets me disappointed every time knowing that I have to reapply and start over again.
I have had so many thoughts about school running on my mind, it kills me.
The fact that I cannot attend to the school I wanted to attend this Fall just makes me disappointed every time.
I can’t even tell my own Dad, who I tell everything to which makes me feel so guilty and disappointed.
It’s just so hard for anyone to really understand how I feel. I haven’t really reached out or told anyone how I really feel because once I do, all I really want to do is cry.
When I got the call about getting denied last minute, my heart felt so crushed. All that time and effort just waisted wasted and back to square one.
I seriously feel like a college dropout still in college.
This is the first time in my life where I honestly, don’t even know what to do anymore.
I really try to make a front, smile it off like everything is okay but really.. I’m not okay.
The worst thing about it is when someone does as me about school, I try to hold my head up high but inside, I just really wasn’t asked.
At this point, I don’t even feel like trying anymore. As much as I want a Bachelor’s and have a great career helping people whether it’s in the industry or even my old high school, I really just don’t know.
I know this post may make me seem like a big baby but if you were in my shoes, getting denied from attending a school late minute after taking so many classes and paying for all those extra fees, it hurts.
I really hate this feeling.Aug222013
I went out to a nightclub in LA for my friends 21st birthday.
Usually I’m comfortable socializing pretty much anywhere. I’ve been to clubs before but I never realized how socially awkward I could be especially around guys..
Most of the time I feel bad but I purposely pretend and act like I don’t know how to dance just so I get ignored.
All I have to say is, that whole scene to me now definitely different from back when I was in high school. I know it’s just a “dance” but I almost cried last night when my friends tried to ask me to dance with someone.
This is why I will be forever alone.Aug212013
- Ever since my news about school came about a couple weeks ago, I’ve never felt so disappointed in myself. It’s not something I really like talking about and honestly have only mentioned it to a few people. As much as I would like to talk about it, I don’t think people would understand. I can’t even give the courage to tell my own Dad. It just hurt’s me inside.
- Since one of my older brothers got rushed to the hospital and had to get immediate surgery on his appendix last week, I have gotten to the point where I am beginning to take more time with my family. Not like I haven’t been around my family a lot of anything, but I just feel a little superstitious now.
- This last month, I have heard about too many lives cut short. At night sometimes I think about all my friends and family that have passed away over the years and just cry. I’m never the person to show any real emotion but deep inside, it just hurts to just see someone go.
- Lately, I’ve been feeling more and more distant to my friends. Replaying my life three years ago all over again.
No matter what I attempt or do in life, some how I feel like will always be forgotten. I guess I’ll always be the singled one out.Jul032013
I’ve come to realization that I’m always going to be the only one from all my friends who doesn’t have a boyfriend or isn’t dating anyone. Story of my life.Jun162013
- Warped Tour is in 3 days. So excited yet so worried because “Time Of The Month” may be rolling around. For the last three years, I’ve always had this problem.
- Even though I packed in advance, I need to repack for I always have a problem with “overpacking”
- Finally catched up up with Dexter & Once Upon A Time. So glad I finished but now I just need something new to watch.
- All I’ve been doing is sleeping most of the time. I need to stop being lazy & running again. I need to find something new to do. A new hobby?
- I wanna start writing poems again but with no inspiration, my writers block has really got to me.
- Currently rediscovering my hip-hop and r&b roots. The beats, rhymes and lyrics. I really miss this type of music.
- After my last day of school, having all this free time, I’m really starting to learn about myself. Right now I think I need to work on being who I really am. I feel like I have become selfish and forgetting who I really who I was. Then again, it’s so hard because I know it’s hard for me to trust and “care” for people when I tried, I always ended up being shut out and forgotten about.
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